Have you no shame?

Apologizing (to no one, really)

2008-05-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I have not posted anything new in ages! I have so many ideas floating through my head (blackberry etiquette, posting ultrasound pictures on Facebook, documenting the size of your pregnant belly on MySpace/Facebook, updating your Facebook status to read every mundane detail of your life...no one cares if you are out for a run, save that for AIM...or just save it in general, etc.).

Hopefully I can formulate some thoughts for my five (maybe six?) readers soon.

In the meantime, keep telling me about all the ridiculous people you meet! I love feeling superior thanks to my refined social skills...psych!

So soon...

2008-04-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

I will express my thoughts on the following:

1. Wearing many designers at once.
2. Blackberries.
3. Leaving events before the end of the event.

Sorry for the extended vacation. I wish I had exciting tales of torrid love affairs, but alas, that is not the case.

Stay tuned!

Let's come to a resolution.

2008-01-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows what January 1st means. A fresh start, a new beginning, a chance to redefine yourself. Whether the year before was the best year of your life or the worst, January 1st gives you the chance to pledge to work on an aspect of your life or personality you'd like to improve.

I know a lot of people don't agree with new year's resolutions. "Everyone always breaks them", "they are quick fix", "they aren't realistic", etc. Well bugger to them. I dislike when people try to steal the joy of others, or basically imply the person is going to be a failure at something. Even if someone's dreams are maybe a bit unrealistic, at least they are striving for something. A life without dreams is a life without hope. If someone's dream is something you might view as superficial, there is no reason for you to voice that. People dream for what they believe is attainable, maybe with a little extra effort, extra luck, whatever. It's like, I'm never going to say "I dream of being a superstar NBA player", because 1. I'm a girl, 2. I'm not that tall/fast/coordinated, 3. I know myself well enough to know I do not have the drive or determination to ever make that possible (nor the funds for that sex change operation I'd need to make the dream a reality). I might, however, say "I dream of being really fit and athletic". While this probably requires more effort than I really want to expend, it is ATTAINABLE.

Yesterday, along with about 114 million of my fellow American's (according to the last census, that's how many people there are between the ages of 18 and 45), I went to the gym. Yesterday was January 2nd. What do you think I expected to see at the gym? That's right, I expected to see TONS OF PEOPLE. Because these people, like me, are trying to right some wrongs of 2007 and start 2008 off on a good foot. Most of these people (but hopefully not me), will continue this for about 3 - 4 weeks and then fall off the wagon. Maybe they will injure themselves from pushing to hard the first couple weeks. Maybe they will get busy with work/school/family/etc. It's just a simple, proven fact most people will not be able to maintain their resolutions for the whole year. This is not to say they will fail. At least they've tried. When I walked in and saw all the machines occupied, I did not sigh in disgust. I was elated! Look at all these people trying to better themselves! I had a hard time finding a locker for my things. I did not complain! I found it refreshing.

So for the next couple weeks, let's try to be positive. If someone is going on and on about their goals for the year, please do not tell them they are "crazy". Let them live the dream. It won't hurt you to encourage them. Don't let your own insecurities stand in the way of you being a cheerleader for someone.

"I want to see your ASS in the AIR..."*

2007-12-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

*today's post title brought to you by the fantastic movie "The Cutting Edge".

Okay, let's settle this once and for all. YES, if you are an able-bodied person, you should offer up your seat to someone who is female/older/more frail/managing small children/carrying a large number of packages, while on a train/bus/in a crowded room/at church/etc. I don't give a rat's ass where you are, but if there are no empty seats in the place and someone walks in who either NEEDS it more than your or SHOULD BY RIGHT get to sit down before your lazy bum, offer it to them.

If someone ever offers you their seat, do not get offended. Do not think "Do I look old?", "What's their motivation...?", "Does that man think just because I am a woman I need to sit down more than he does?". SERIOUSLY people. Can't we just accept a nice gesture for what it is? If people would start giving total strangers a break every now and then, maybe this cold, hard world would start being a sweeter place to live in.

Wastin' time

2007-11-20T08:18:00.001-08:00

I find people like to be really judgemental about how other people spend their time. I'm sure you've all heard someone say "He's got too much time on his hands..." or something along those lines. Now, I'm not a scientist or a physicist, but I'm pretty sure everyone gets the same amount of time. Regardless of where you live, no matter your color, ethnicity, sex, religious preference, sexual preference, we all have 24 hours in the day, seven days in a week and 365 days in a year. So why must we pass judgement on how other people choose to use their time?

The time-hating generally seems to happen when a person witnesses someone doing something really fun or clever that happens to be time-consuming. Just this week I was telling someone I accidentally dropped my brand new carton of eggs, thereby cracking five eggs. Well, I didn't want to just throw out the eggs, so I went online and looked up recipes. I was trying to be resourceful. My story was met with "Have a little time on your hands?!" and a snide chuckle. Um. I don't know if they aren't familiar but the internet is pretty fast (Thanks Al!). It doesn't take long to look up something. The whole process of trying to find a recipe probably took me less than 10 minutes and I got a tasty, albeit eccentric, meal out of it.

Everyone has things they like to do. Whether it be an extreme amount of television or movie watching, a voracious appetite for celebrity gossip, a fanatical devotion to exercise, a passion for reading blogs, bird watching, reading, stamp collecting, working (that's so not me), sleeping, drinking, ho'ing...whatever it is, it's how they want to spend their time. Why do other people find it necessary to weigh in on whether or not they think they are using their time wisely? We are only in this life, in this skin, once. We might as well get as much pleasure from it as possible (within reason, of course).

So, the next time you find yourself thinking "Gosh, they must have a lot of time on their hands if they were able to alphabetize their 1,000 CD's/color coordinate their closet/scrapbook their college memories..." or something of the like, remember the day you spent on your couch watching a marathon of "The Hills". Or the time you spent 8 hours at the mall trying to find a pair of jeans that made your butt look awesome. Or the day you slept for 13 hours straight. Or every time you look at stupid blogs. Remember these times are because you have a CHOICE, and who are we to say someone's making the wrong choice?

Ice Age

2007-11-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

So, maybe I'm the only person who ISN'T chewing ice in quiet rooms. The other day I was at a meeting for a hospital board I sit on, and during this really intense presentation about how the doctor we are supporting is working diligently to try to cure cancer (seriously...and he's had some really amazing progress with prostate cancer cells and gene therapy), the person next to me was drinking his water and chewing his ice.

Maybe I'm late to this one. Is chewing ice the new black?

Noise pollution

2007-10-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I am currently in a graduate class. This graduate class meets at 5:45 until 9 p.m. Many of my classmates work, so they go straight from work to class (myself included). Often times, this means by the time you get to class, you are hungry, perhaps even a bit delirious from hunger. I do not have a problem with people eating in class (unless you are a loud chewer, but that's not the point of this post). I do, however, get a little shocked when people eat foods that are just not, no matter how tactfully you try to eat them, quiet. Some examples include:

A whole apple
Ice
Lobster (just kidding, but I wouldn't put it past people)
Nuts
Anything that comes in a crinkly bag

This week in class, one of my classmates had a HUGE plastic cup of ice. She would get a mouthful (which as you know, ice is loud in a plastic cup) and proceed to chew her ice. During intellectual discussion. I am pretty sure after the third or forth mouthful I muttered under my breath "Seriously?! Seriously." but I probably didn't. I just thought about it. Because poodles, I have tact. Just not when drunk (but that doesn't count).

Baby showers for any child other than your first...

2007-08-23T00:13:00.001-07:00

In a word - NO. Don't do it. Why do you need more onesies, blankets, bottles, a new car seat, high chair, etc.? More importantly...why should other people buy them for you. AGAIN? You're the one who decided to continue with the most expensive past-time (child raising), so why must the pocketbooks of your friends and families suffer?

Is it surprising to learn this custom originated in the United States? I understand, and fully support, baby showers for your first baby (but really, just have one. You really don't *need* three unless it's purely for geographic reasons), although, like wedding showers, I find the whole "unwrap a present you picked and put on a registry and then exclaim 'Oh my gosh I love this...'" very odd. I mean, you picked it out. You basically told us to buy it for you. But I cannot get behind a baby shower for your second or third child. Just because you had a boy first and are having a girl second does not mean you need to have another baby shower. I'll let you in on a little secret...baby girls can wear blue! It will be okay! It won't make them grow up socially stunted or prevent them from making the cheerleading squad.

I do want to point out the following:
1. Adopting a baby? Yes! Have a baby shower (if it's the first child in your family). Just because it didn't come from your womb does not mean anything. It's still your first child! So exciting!
2. If you had a baby in 2000, and sometime around the time your first child is entering college you get pregnant again...okay. Maybe. I'm sure they'll find poisonous paints/toxins/etc. in all the baby stuff on the market now. Or you didn't hang on to anything, because you thought you were done.

Let's all (meaning the two people who I force to read this site) agree to boycott baby showers for anything other than the first born. Only through activism will we end this ostentatious trend!

You are no Florence Nightingale.

2007-08-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

One of my co-workers and I know a 31 year old woman through work who was just diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer. Her lady-doctor found a lump she didn't like, the girl got it tested and removed and it was cancerous. They are pretty positive they got it all, but she is going to start radiation soon to be sure.

Here's an exchange that went down between my co-worker and me. "Casual Acquiantance" will be used in place of her name to protect the innocent (and to protect me from lawsuits and trash talking):

Me: "Casual Acquiantance sure has had a bad week...I feel terrible for her..."
Co-worker: "Ugh...I am so sick of her whining...I just want to tell her 'Look, your cancer was stage 0, get over yourself!'"
Me: *mouth gaping open like a fish out of water as I was at a total loss for words*

Guys do too like bitches.

2007-07-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a male friend or relative say "High maintenance girls are THE WORST", I'd have at least $20, and I'd also have to tell each and every one of them they are full of shit.

It's like girls saying they want a nice guy. No you do not. Don't kid yourself! You want a guy who is unpredictable, who adds mystery and intrique to your life, someone who has confidence and maybe a bit of cockiness, someone who will maybe make you worry that you'll never hear from him again. If a guy always calls exactly when he says he will and showers praise on you, you're likely to think he's a bit desperate, or maybe co-dependent. If you don't think this way, then my fears have been confirmed and it is just me. Anyone have a number of a good therapist?

I once read a silly chick-lit book called "Dog Handling". It's a cute book, good for the beach/pool/deck, you know the type. There's a section in the book where one of Liv's (the main character) gay male friends gives a rousing speech on how guys want to be treated. I don't recall it word for word, but basically it said to mess with their minds, or as one review says "treat them like a dog and they'll be eating out of your hand". You know what I did with that page? I dog-eared it (which sounds funny, what with the title and all). That is not nice! I am a nice girl. I shouldn't be using these sneaky tactics. But you know what? Other girls use them ALL. THE. TIME. and it totally seems to work for them. I know guys who are basically shells of their former selves due to a girl's dog handling. It's like the girl has them on a leash with their man-bits (I like to be sort of classy) firmly in their grasp. It's sad when you go on a date with a perfectly nice guy who has clearly been beat down by girls before. A couple signs:

1. You offer to pay for some of the meal, or do the whole "you get dinner, I'll get the movie" type deals, and they are shocked at your offer. They might mention "Wow, I've never been out with a girl who's offered to pay before..."
2. They are blown away you have knowledge about any sport. Apparently since you are female you must only know about make-up, celebrity gossip, shoes, Grey's Anatomy and Martha Stewart.
3. They are surprised/suspicious when you encourage them to hang out with their guy friends. They may feel the need to “check-in” with you hourly when with their friends since prior girls have controlled their every movement and/or did not trust them to behave when left unsupervised.

This is very discouraging! I am an independent girl (which happens by default if you are almost 30 and live alone) and would love to meet a great guy who appreciates I don't "need" a man in my life, I "want" a man in my life. Sure, there are things I take care of that I'd happily let a boyfriend-type take over (i.e. - car maintenance, minor home repairs, etc.), but if there's not someone around, that shit is still going to get done.

I recently gave one of my other single friends (which is officially a rarity now) a gag-book called "Why You're Still Single" It's a funny, tongue-in-cheek book with each category written from a man and woman's perspective. Here's an excerpt from a section that made us laugh out loud, but when we finished laughing we looked at each other and said "Um...uh-oh...". The chapter is titled "You Are What You Hate":

"You know the stereotypes about men. 'He loves his work more than he loves me.' 'He spends too much time with his friends.' 'He's totally selfish in bed.' 'He's emotionally unavailable.' No one is defending this type of behavior, but as we push on into the twenty-first century, it's no stretch to say that if equality between the sexes hasn't yet been achieved, we've surely never been closer. With blurry gender roles, it's no surprise that women are taking on some of the more common and less desirable male qualities. The older you get, the more of a life you build for yourself, the less you're gonna want to give it up. It makes perfect sense. It just sucks to date you now because straight men don't really want to date other men."

Ouch.

Invite Etiquette

2007-07-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

I know a wedding is a joyous occassion, I get it. You're getting MARRIED! Very fun for you.

However, if I haven't seen you in six years and you didn't express an interest in rekindling our friendship until after you got a ring on your finger, I do not need a "Save the Date" for your bachelorette party.

Nor do I need an invite to your wedding shower. Wedding showers are about as boring as watching an interview with Paris Hilton. Wait, did I say boring? I meant stupid.

According to proper etiquette (no, I am not citing sources, I'm too lazy), inviting me to your wedding is a bit of a stretch. Do you want another present? Have you heard I am entertaining at weddings? (let's be honest, I'm entertaining at most social functions, unless a cute boy is hitting on me. Then I am generally afraid and uncomfortable and don't quite know what to do with myself.) Do you really want me to "win" the bouquet toss so perhaps I can be the next person to get caught up in the commercialization of marriage? (PS - see, you obviously don't really know me anymore, or else you'd know I boycott bouquet tosses. Or I stand out there pretending I'm going to give it my all and then let the bouquet fall to the ground. I don't want your dead flowers.)

The worst thing about this is no one is ever honest with a bride-to-be. When, I respond "Sorry, I am unable to make it" to all the events, I will look like the bad person. I will look rude and heartless and bitter. No one ever says to the bride, "Girl, of course she isn't coming...you haven't spoken to her in years, and no, your recent emails do not count for shit". (apparently the person who should be straight up with the bride should have a bit of ghetto in them).